Have you ever had a vivid, powerfully erotic dream about something you have never experienced and would not consciously ever want but in that moment it left you overwhelmed in ecstasy?

Pretty much everyone who has sexual desire has had an erotic fantasy, and there is as broad a scope for sexual fantasy as there is for any other aspect of the imagination.

For some, a sexual fantasy is something quite direct, like imagining a partner in a particular pair of erotic knickers or a detailed sexual encounter, whilst for others it is more about a particular feeling, sensation or image that captivates.

Many of these fantasies can be surprising, overwhelming or even distressing, especially those that go against their values or beliefs, and whilst openness is always important in intimate relationships, it can sometimes feel difficult to share these feelings.

However, there is no shame in fantasising or sharing those fantasies, and here are some tips for how to approach them to people you trust as well as yourself.

There Is No Shame In Your Fantasy

Sexual fantasies, like dreams, are expressions of the unconscious and can be as abstract or as concrete as dreams can be, and certain fantasies can emerge for a variety of reasons and express an abstract desire more vividly.

A desire to have sex with someone you are dating or hope to date might be more concrete, having sex in the middle of a tornado is completely abstract, and there are so many erotic fantasies in between.

Because of this, the overwhelming majority of sexual fantasies are nothing you should be ashamed of. People have strong desires, and those desires can be subconsciously expressed in unexpected ways.

As well as this, it is fine to have a so-called “dark” fantasy about a sexual situation you would never want to experience in real life, and in many cases, these fantasies can be actualised in safe ways, as long as such behaviour is safe, sane and consensual.

Some fantasies can depict illegal, unsafe or actively harmful behaviour, and if you have a strong desire to act on these fantasies, it may be important to talk to a professional or at least someone you trust to be non-judgemental.

Know Your Aim

Before talking to your partner, sex friend or close confidant about a fantasy that’s on your mind, make sure you know what you want to get out of it.

Do you want to be closer to your partner to get to know each other better or do you want to play out the fantasy or a risk-aware consensual kink version of it?

Even just wanting to talk it through with them as someone you trust will help in this, but the key is to know which way the conversation will go.

As well as this, make it clear that there is no pressure on their part to act on this fantasy or to feel a certain way about it.

Have Empathy For Yourself And Your Partner

Talking about fantasies opens yourself up, and the person you are talking to may respond quite strongly to a particular fantasy.

This is fine; you both have the right to be comfortable in your relationship, but if they have a problem with a fantasy that you feel you might need to feel fulfilled in your relationship, this could be a concerning sign about compatibility.